new leaf

Do you remember when we first met? We were sitting across the room from each other in Ms. Selvin’s little sanctuary. I remember your invitation to your birthday after having just met me. You had your tomboy looks and your unique hairstyle, but right then I knew you had something so special, so incomprehensible that to this day I still don’t understand why my heart pines for the few moments I get to be in front of you. Back then I felt silly for making my way to over to your side of the room every time we had a group activity. I suppose I wasn’t exactly sure of my feelings toward you. I was naive, a little shy, and most of all afraid. Sophomore and Junior years passed by and I never quite could express what was on my mind. Terrible, I know. Finally in Senior year I told you about the person that made me feel a certain crazy passion for. I could understand what it felt like; a friend who you wished would remain one, professing this thing you hardly wanted to deal with. I walked away from you that day with the resolve that we would nothing more than friends. I thought it would be easy, to simply change the way I viewed you. I would wake up each day with that idea, and an exchange with you as meaningless as a greeting brushed aside that resolve like a hurricane to a leaf. Over the months I did make progress; you were hardly ever on my mind. By the time prom neared, I planned to only ask you as a friend, because that’s all I felt toward you. I felt that I would probably regret it if I didn’t even try. The discovery that other suitors had the same plan for you reared ugly, spiteful jealousy and with it resurfaced that old, incessant passion for you. I think I only waited two weeks for your answer, but each night’s session of hoping, wondering and pondering made it a lifetime. My emotions were on a roller coaster and my absurd insecurities turned me into someone I wasn’t. I couldn’t study, couldn’t be content or happy. I don’t blame you though, I never will. I should be the one apologizing for putting all these things in front of you and expecting something out of that mess.

However, I do need you to understand that I’m sick of feeling this ugly cauldron of emotions, I’ve been sick of this for a very long time. I despise that I have this burden that prevents me from fulfilling my academic potential, and more importantly, my happiness. I want to move on, to find new love. I go to sleep wishing that the next day I’d have a new outlook on you. I want to be able to laugh with you without wondering the reason behind that laugh. I wish I could see you enjoying yourself with another man without feeling that primal urge of jealousy. I need so badly to not have my heart leap when someone offers me something, because your name is formed from “you want”. I’m done playing the part of the dumb astronaut who can’t achieve the escape velocity needed to break free of your gravity. I’m ready to be myself again, I’m ready to be happy.

Sometimes I do wish that a higher power hadn’t placed us together in that seventh period class of Sophomore year, but most of all I wish we hadn’t both chosen to go to UC Davis.

Whether or not you’re with another guy, I had planned to avoid you, to simply ignore your existence for at least the next four years. That would have been the easy way out; It’s a coping mechanism that had worked in the past. Fuck it, I’m going to do the hard thing, to man up, to not throw away another friendship because of my inability to face difficulties. It’s like in the song “Details in the Fabric” by Jason Mraz, if it’s a broken heart, face it. I will continue to be your friend. I’m going to put my emotions and happiness on the line again, because I know someday these feelings will fade. You don’t have to be awkward around me, I’m okay with it, really. My mind’s moved on, its just my heart that lingers.
What?
Oh.
Sorry, I must have been daydreaming. Yes. I’d like a round-trip ticket to Hawaii please. A week. No, nothing to declare. Hmm? Oh no, no carry on - just this emotional baggage.