Suddenly, I realized that I am really scared of change. I am really afraid of change, not myself, but other people too, and time…
When people change, it’s the scariest. You used to be such a nice person. But why? Is it really cool to be a slut or a whore? Is that something I never realized about people? Am I just not trendy enough? Apparently sleeping everywhere is the new trend. Apparently it is a competition to count how many girls have slept in your bed. Is this college? Is this what it has to be? And if I say a few more words does that I want to sleep in someone’s bed?
And when I realize that people are not the way they use to be, I freak out and break down but it’s none of my business. People who have comforted me, or people who have made me feel UCSD is not as bad as it seems, but in the end, every person is just another slut, another whore, a frat boy, a sorority girl. I can’t live in a place like this forever. Excuses Excuses. Everything has excuses to it. Everything is an excuse for something else. and something else is definetly an excuse for this for that for him and for her. Is this what unlimited freedom is for? Sleeping everywhere? Is that the trend that I have never gotten into? Is this what indefinite freedom is about? counting how many girls you have slept with? Or doing stupid stuff so you can get into some stupid frat? And again, am I just really that antiquated? Am I living in the past? Are we all suppose to sleep in every different bed with a different smell of a different guy everyday? Is that it? This is something I have never understood about college. And I’ll tell you what, you cheap guys out there, go pretend to be a frat boy and sleep with every girl and I know you will never someone to love you. But that’s not my problem, that will never be my problem. I can go out and I will never look like a slut. But it doesn’t matter, oh I can be an engineering frat or a pre med frat or a business frat and a professional frat and a pi theta wtf sorority and I will meet all the stupid guys and I will make up a bunch of excuses but I will sleep with everyone of them. Yeah that is what college is about. Sleeping. Funnier thing when you feel like someone’s never going to change and they change right in front of your eyes. I am really scared of change. But whatever I change into, I would never want to change into something like them. I will be above all of you guys. I will be my own princess in my own kingdom, in my own fantasy, in my own world. But I don’t need to sleep with other people to get guys. I will never do that. And maybe some guys are cheap enough to do that, then they don’t even deserve to talk to me. But yeah, frat boys are cool, see arthur yu? they say. oh yea he’s cool. Everyone thinks he’s cool. maybe one day you can go bow down to him and maybe he will teach you how to get all the girls, or maybe he’ll even get the girls for you. Maybe you guys should worship him…but he is cool right? he is still cool. But the thing is, how come no one thinks that the sorority girls are cool? I don’t know maybe I just don’t think they’re cool. Or maybe they’re cooler than me because they have slept everywhere before. And if I am a little friendlier to a typical boy, if I smile a little more instead of looking like an emo all the time, that means I am a slut too right? You know what, am I that kinda girl who would love a frat boy in the first place. I don’t just talk to people because I want to, I have to talk to get around. I have to talk to get a lab done. I have to talk to have a few friends. But yes oh yes you people with big egos is going to think I am going to fall in love with you. Oh yea why don’t you go look at yourself in the mirror and go back to the ucsd triton link website to look at your transcript? No, I am not a typical girl. no, i am not that easy going. if I talk to you it’s because I need to or I have to not because I want to. Get it straight. And now I realize that if someone I used to look up to is one of those people, I just think I can’t take change. I can’t take it. I am scared of change. I am scared that I change in college too. But stubborn enough, even if I stay in the same place, everyone else is moving along, going to different places reaching for different goals while a silly girl like me still believes that college is about studying. but ironically college is not about studying, it’s about sleeping everywhere, it’s about the unlimited freedom, and risky decisions, and wrong choices. But yeah, like I have said before, maybe I am a boring person. Maybe I am truely a boring person, and maybe I am really picky about my friends, but guess what, I have friends who treat me like a freaken princess. and my new nickname is princess all over again. like high school. High school, I realize that there is no way to go back to high school. No matter how much I wanted to go to Davis because all my friends are there, I realize they are only that way in high school. It is not the same in college, and I’d rather not know what people have become in college. I’d rather not see any of them again so I wouldn’t know how much they change. There are only a few who didn’t change. Yet I am scared that maybe I’ve changed too. But no, a stubborn person like me would never get anywhere. It seems like I drew a circle around me and I never move outside the circle. I never seem to want to expand that circle too. I stay in the same place, no matter how many people try to drag me out of the circle. Stupid frats. Dumb sororities. Stupid boys and dumb girls. And yeah, I am still stubborn enough to be friends with people who are using me and i know that they’re using me but I am totally okay with it. I get sick of hearing the same topic over and over again. It’s not my number 1 topic to talk about. BOYS BOYS BOYS. Yeah, whatever, you guys are secretly sluts too. Everyone is secretly a slut plus me, the super stubborn girl with a bit too much honesty. I meet one girl. yay, you speak cantonese please talk to me. I beg you please talk to me please be my friend I’ll do anything for you. But really how long can this last? I am just a funny joke book wrapped in a bunch of fancy looking wrapping paper with a few cheap ribbons to make myself look like a million dollar present. My most expensive jacket in HK is the same price as a normal tshirt at a typical store and I took so long to think about whether I should buy it. I am really just a gift with too many layers of cheap wrapping paper and ribbons. And once they realize I really can’t help them reach their goal, a perfect dream boy, a combination of a very sweet strawberry banana smoothie and a very hot little chili jalepeno salsa, and finally a bunch of Eat Smart corn flakes. Yeah, if they make a meal like that no one wants it anyways, and even if you do have the perfect combination then what? What makes you think that they are going to stick around when there are so many girls to choose from? And what makes you think that boys are like prince charming when they’re just a bunch of sick frat boys. BOYS BOYS BOYS I really couldn’t careless. I have never been friends with people who are just using me and I know it I know it and I know it. Once they see I am just a combination of a funny joke book, a typical japanese fashion magazine plus a tiny bit of a science text book, they’ll lose interest. I really don’t have anything to offer. But I like the misunderstanding, at least they’ll be my friend. At least they won’t sleep everywhere…ok I really don’t know about them. I know one girl from Macau really hates me but she also has to pretend to like me because I can get her what she needs, what she calls ” a hottie”. But realy, why do you have to pretend to like me? I don’t need your sympathy. I have enough friends who wants to use me; I don’t need another one. I am a boyfriend vending machine right? Yeah, I forget to tell you guys that the machine is “Out of order”. And it was never working. It just looks like a vending machine that you can swipe your card and stuff your dollar bills in but nothing is going to come out. You have been ripped off! But guess what, at least I can communicate in cantonese and feel like I am back at home and feel like a fobby girl back in high school again. You guys have been ripped off haha. My stupid lab partner goes around behind my back telling people, “My lab partner doesn’t know how to do shit” But I do better on all the quizzes in class, I go to every lecture at 9 am in the morning when I have to wake up an hour and a half early to get ready, I study and read the lab material befor I go. I do all the wiring, the part you actually have to think about, the main part of the lab. But noo, this long face pimply freak who thinks he is a cool hipster goes around sounding like a gossip girl, telling people that he did most of the lab when he doesn’t even think about how to do the wiring on the bread board. Instead when I don’t know how to do it, he tells me to ask the TA. The only reason he’s partners with me is because I am a girl and I can get the creepy TA or some other smarty pants to help me. In a way, everyone is using me. Yeah, I can get the TA to help me then what? We are partners shouldn’t we think about how to do it together? Why do I have to do all the thinking? I don’t mind doing all the learning. But does it make u long faced freak sound smarter by talking stuff behind my back? The only part he did was the computer schematics which doesn’t even matter because we’re learning about circuits and gates or gates and every other gate. But you are telling people that I can’t do anything when there is a function called AB’C+AB’+AC+ABC or whatever and you ask why we’re using 3 or gates instead of 3 and gates for the schematic. Hello, I am a girl but I am not a retard. I mean, if you don’t know how to schematic let me do it. Don’t hoard everything and pretend that you know how to do it. Let me do it if you don’t know how to do it and I will do a better job but don’t go around telling people that I can’t do anything just because everything you see is a nerdy textbook wrapped in fancy pink and sparkly gift wrapping paper. I am sorry I am not in a big UCSD sweater and blue jeans and a pair of converse. I am sorry that even if I am going to wear a sweater I would match it to the extent that I look like some animae character. I am sorry I don’t look like an ordinary notebook instead I look like some new edition of a texbook but just because it’s a newer trendy version it doesn’t mean I am stupid. Why don’t we compare quiz scores and see who’s doing better in the class before you BS how smart you are? Stupid hipster, you are not as good looking as you think you are. You long faced freak. And yeah, we have a new partner who knows how to do a little bit more. But then what? Now you have to hoard everything so I can’t do any of the lab. I don’t even need a partner next time. Next class, I will just work by myself. The first lab I did by myself I got a 99/100. The one point was because I forgot to write my name. And the long face freak did this first lab with a pretty smart guy and they got a 96/100. Really? And you go around telling people that I can’t do anything? What did I do wrong? What did I say wrong? I have to do all the wiring and the freaken wires are so hard to cut because my hands are small and I have a bunch of random scars that look like the imitation of paper cuts on my hands after every lab because I have been plugging in all the wires while you use to mouse the click everywhere. Easy stuff. Really? So yeah, we have a new partner and I thought he was just friendly, getting me a chair and being a nice guy and everything. Oh yeah, now I have two partners but now what? I have a long face freak partner who goes around telling people that I am dumb to make himself look smarter. And another partner who is truely a creepy pervert…since I am the only girl in lab. The TAs are truely creepy too. My only friend in that class. She is really nice, but she’s a lesbian. Not that I have anything against her but I guess she tries to keep her distance too. a little bit. I don’t know how lesbians are suppose to act. I didn’t know that hugs are not allowed but oh well. I am not telling anyone what I am doing with my life until after this quarter, or until at least I know a lot more about what I am doing. After being in college, I realize how quickly people can change, into sluts and manwhores, into a creeper a pervert, into a smarty pants, or just me, an ordinary notebook that is almost entirely blank. But I refuse to add random stuff into the notebook. In my notebook right now, I know how to book my plane tickets. I know how to go through security by myself. I know how to take the bus to downtown without knowing where I am going. I call it adventure. I know how to do my own laundry. I know what time I need to do what. I know how to set up my own schedule. I know how to comfort people when they are upset. I know that they will come to me if they cry, even when I have met them twice. I know that I make a good friend. I know that people like to talk to me. I know that I won’t yell at random people for no random reason anymore. I know I sound less immature. But I would still like to be immature. I don’t add everything I learn into my notebook. I learn that people do change but I don’t accept it. I learn that people like to sleep everywhere but I don’t want to. I learn that I am more stubborn than I thought I was. But at least I accept the fact that I am stubborn. I learn that love and lust are completely different yet similar things. I learn that people mature through mistakes. But I mature through regrets. I learn that crying like a little girl doesn’t solve anything. I learn that yelling at people doesn’t solve anything either. Instead, if I learn to accept the truth it makes the problem seem less of a problem. Like if you would like to be a slut then it’s your problem. It’s your problem that I am not friends with people like you, or if I am not friends with you anymore. I don’t even know. And those guys with a big ego? They can save that for slutty girls who would like to sleep with them. I am not interested. I think I will never accept those people into my life, as friends or as anything. I don’t know. They’ll have to try really hard. I guess. My suitemate has slept with more than 3000 guys and every guy in every race and ethnicity. But why I am friends with her? Is it because that she speaks cantonese? Yes, that’s half of it. But maybe I am also innocent enough to think that she really cares about me. And no, that’s not even it, it’s because she doesn’t have any real friends in UCSD. So I want to do something nice for her. I know that she and I live in completely different worlds. While she doesn’t even remember how many boyfriends she has had, I am a blank piece of paper with a few messy scribbles and a few things crossed out. But I realize that she doesn’t even a real friend in UCSD, and so I knock on her door every night to say good night, and ask about her day. I comfort her when her boyfriend dumps her. She knows that I like chocolate so whenever she offers me some japanese junk food. She knows that I like ramen and brings me out to eat something I haven’t eaten in 3 months. Everyone tells me to watch out for her, some people even asked why do I hang out with her. But my answer is just very simple, or perhaps innocent, it’s not that I like her. I just feel like she needs a real friend. Someone she can actually talk to about her complicated family problems, someone to talk to about anything. They tell me she’s using me, but I don’t see why. Or maybe I am just too innocent and simple. I don’t even know. Maybe I am curious, or maybe I am just excited because she speaks cantonese. I really dont know why, but she’s really not that bad. But no matter what I say, my suitemate still treat me as something vulnerable and breakable even when I pretend I can take care of myself. They say I am very stubborn. So stubborn that things are just that way and they don’t change. But things are not suppose to change. A habit is a habit and habits don’t change. Like a plan is a plan and plans don’t change. But she is nice to me, I like her. She is a little bit mysterious. But still in the end, I wish things don’t have to change. I wish people don’t have to change. I wish I have a real time machine, just let me relive high school. I wouldn’t change anything about it but I just want to go back. I want to sit there with a big lunch box like a spoiled child who eats way more than she is suppose to. I want to sit at the bottom of that sad dusty staircase talking about random stuff that no one really cares about. I want to sit in that special spot on the bench to avoid the sunlight. Then afterwards, I want to stand on top of the risers and sing a few scales and tell everyone about how much I hate ms. low. I miss the smell of the choir room. I miss that new red carpet smell when we first got it in the room. I missed all the pictures of every performance we have had. I missed all the moments of playing dress up in our heavy madrigal dresses. I miss everything I use to have. Instead, everything has been replaced by this unlimited freedom that restricts me from remembering but allows me to sleep in different beds every night. But all I really want is to fall asleep in my own room at home. In the end, I don’t want to sleep anywhere else. I just want to sleep in my own bed, and I am not going to change. A habit is a habit and habits don’t change.
